After Death
This is not a religious article about post-death metaphysics. I am sharing a personal experience on how it feels after 2 years of my father’s death. I’m not trying to spread drama, I just think that death plays a great role in putting things into perspective. I hope this article can alleviate some of the pain that others feel. I hope it makes people value their time more and think before they waste their lives on conflicts.
Death is interesting, I used to be concerned with why, when and what happens when I die. But recently I realised that I have been overlooking the ripple effect of death; the traces left by death to instil pain in the deceased close circle. When I was a child, I thought the death of someone I love will be an immediate intense experience that heals over time. The dearer the person, the more acute this pain is, and the longer it takes to heal. In reality, this is quite different.
The Ripple Effect
Yes, the immediate shock and pain happens, pretty much like the ripple effect of a stone dropping in the calm waters. It’s similar in two ways, the first is that the spot is on the centre of the ripple, but the wider impact lies in the after-effect. The deeper pain comes afterwards, not by a week not by a month, maybe a couple of months or even years after death. Similar to coming out of a surgery, you’re on anaesthetics, you feel some pain but it’s incomparable to the one you will feel the next day.
I keep asking myself why does it hurt that much? Some will say: good memories, regrets, missing their support or all of that. I think they are all right, but honestly I still don’t know the exact reason. I just miss him so much, that’s it! You don’t truly miss someone until they die.
As the Queen of England once said:
But nothing that can be said can begin to take away the anguish and the pain of these moments. Grief is the price we pay for love.
Secondly, similar to the ripple effect, death disrupts us emotionally in a predictable yet inconsistent way. Before the death of a close person, you feel like you’re unbreakable, you’re calm and strong. A drop of death close enough to you can disrupt your emotional fabric in a way you cannot imagine. You’ll still do what you used to do and live the way you used to live, you may even become more successful, but nothing really feels the same.
The disruption is strange, you may find yourself overly emotional, aggressive or even apathetic. You may think that it has nothing to do with that death, but if you trace it back, it’ll become as clear as day.
You don’t feel in control any more! It’s unimaginable how simple things can re-trigger that ripple effect. A scent, a place, a distant similarity in voice even a dream is enough to send you down the emotional spiral for days.
You will change, I don’t know how. Others may not notice it, but you’ll feel it.
Back to the surface
Wait! They said Time heals everything! I thought so too, I tried to push my way through it, thinking that it’ll eventually be over, but it doesn’t. It keeps coming back again and again. Time doesn’t heal everything, we don’t forget everything. If you don’t believe me, just ask someone whom their parent(s) may have died decades ago and feel the distant pain buried under their stories. One thing that gets better with time is that you become a bit stronger to handle the memories and the regrets.
Only you can heal yourself, time only prepares you
The stone keeps diving towards the seabed and the surface eventually settles, but you’ll always feel the stone down there.
